Avalyn... Strength greater than my own

The next part of Avalyn's story is so hard to write about.  It is hard to know what details to tell and what to leave out.  It is hard to tell because as hard as it was to tell about hearing that Avalyn was no longer with us, I still had to go through the process of delivering her.  How do you go through a delivery when you know you are not going to get to see her living.  When you know that it is going to be silence in the room instead of the little cry of new life.  

After we cried for a bit we knew we needed to make the dreaded phone calls.   We needed to let our parents know and find support from those who were around to help us.  We called.  I tried to tell my mom but couldn't speak when it came time to actually say it and Shaun had to take over the phone call.  Then he made all the other calls.

He called our pastor Ron.  We later found out that Ron normally doesn't have his phone on at that time of night and that it was by God's grace that he even answered his phone.  Then Shaun called  my friend Becky.  Within 20 mins we had both pastor Ron and pastor Tim and Delrae.  As well as my friends Becky, Sarah and Jess.  You have no idea how much support it was to have them there.  

We cried together.  They prayed for us.  We had a bonding fellowship that can only come through going through the tough hard life situations together.  I am so thankful that they were there to call on and to drop everything to come support us!  I have this group of friends that I have had for pretty much the whole three years I have lived here in North Dakota.  We always say that God put our group together for a reason.   This is not the first tough life situation that we have been in together and probably will not be our last but God has done some great things through this group and I am happy to have them doing life beside me!

What can I say about the rest of the evening the doctor didn't want me to leave she wanted me to stay until I delivered Avalyn.  So they started a slow process to get my labor going and to get me to dialate quicker.  My friends took shifts staying with me and Shaun so that we had someone to support us at all times.  There was no way that I could sleep!  I sat and talked and talked through the night and at points tried to let Shaun sleep but the silence was so defening!! I tried to walk in the hall to get things progressing but the sounds of babies and pictures of happy families was too much for me to handle so I barricaded myself in my room.

I stayed awake the whole night and really didn't progress much.  In the morning my friends switched shifts and we continued to wait.  I can't say that the whole time was bad.  To be honest there were times of great laughter and light heartedness.  I look at it as God giving me strength through other belivers.  I hadn't come down to fully understanding because I had not seen her yet but if I would have melted down the whole time I was waiting to deliver I would not have had the physical or emotional strength to get through it. 

People have said through this that I am so strong.  I really don't agree with that, I am so weak and if this were fully on me I would not have made it.  I know that God has been the strong one through it all. He is the one who has lifted me when I trruely didn't think I could go on.  He is the one who gave me exactly what I needed through everything and allowed a peace that passes all my understanding to get through it.  I can remember through the whole night and next day I would just say over and over in my head and some times out loud, "The Lord is my stregth".  

I would like to stop at this point and tell you the frame of mind that I was in when I went into the hospital to deliver Avalyn.  I had a horrible delivery with Ian.  I was induced with pit and had them give me stadol and an epidural.  When they gave me the stadol I couldn't move and was hallucinating.  I was seeing pink elephants and every contraction I thought logs were hitting me in the stomach.  The epidural didn't work they had to poke into my spine up to the full legal limit.  Then he ended up poking through to far and giving me a spinal headache afterward. Then I went through a whole other ordeal of getting an infection a few days later and almost died. (that would be a whole other blog post)

Because of  all went through with that delivery I had come to some pretty strong opinions about giving birth naturally.  I did not want to go through any of that ever agian.  When Eli was born it was all natural and it was perfect.  No complications and my healing went so much faster.  I knew that was how I wanted to do this delivery as well.  Being that it had been 5 years since I last went through a delivery I was nervous that I would cave into having drugs.  For several weeks before that night I had been mentally trying to pump myself up that I could do it again and praying God would give me the strength.  When I went in that night I was prepared to push through the pain and come out on the other side with a drug free delivery.

So that brings us to the early afternoon on Tuesday September 23rd.  They put me on pit to get the delivery going faster.  That was a hard pill for me to swallow because I had said before that I would not be induced ever again.  But that is also a lesson that The Lord was teaching me through it all and continues to teach me.  My plans do not always go with His plans and I need to trust in Him and His plan.  

I will never forget one of the light hearted moments, it was lunch time and they were not allowing me to eat anything.  I will never understand why they know that you have to have strength and energy to get through pushing in labor but make you go hours and hours and not allow you to eat anything.  But anyway as I said it was lunch time and our friend Matt went and bought lunch and brought it to the hospital for everyone to eat.  To be nice to me they were eating outside of the room so I would not go crazy.  They went in shifts the guys ate first and the girls stayed in the room with me.

Then it was the girls time to go eat.  I had Shaun and Matt in the room to entertain me.  They were keeping it light and telling jokes and repeating lines from comidians.  At one point I was in the middle of a STRONG contraction and could not stop laughing.  Never in my life did I ever think that I could be going through that much pain and laughing at the same time.  

This was the point that my labor really started to get going strong.  The doctor came in a little bit later and was trying to push me to have drugs to ease the pain.  It was so HARD to process at that time!  I seriously have strong convictions on the subject and went in with a strong mind set I would not take any drugs!  

How do I go against my convictions but how do you have the strength to do it on your own when you are already so emotionally drained?  I didn't take the drugs.  I stayed to my convitions but I regret it now.  Maybe I would have regretted the descision if I had gone with the drugs as well, I will never know.  I suppose it was just a hard situation no matter what and it is what it is.  But I think if I would have taken the drugs it would have maybe taken the edge off the brutalness of the situation.

Because I was on the pit and they increased the doseage I went into labor very quick.  I went to the bath to try to help me relax and that is when I lost all control.  I was in this tiny little bathroom that barely one person can fit it.  I had Shaun next to me trying to help me control my breathing.  My friend Becky at the door shouting to help me keep control.  I am so thankful she did that for me!  The nurse was in and out and I started pushing. 

I delivered my sweet Avalyn in what felt like a gross old bathroom tub that I could barely fit in.  Shaun almost caught her because there was really not room for the nurse to get in there.  I remember looking down and seeing as they were unwrapping the cord from her neck.  They placed her on my chest and  I just cried and cried.  It was really true, she was not living.  It was true, I wasn't going to get to bring my little gril home.

It all was real at that moment and all the emotion came at that point.  Shaun and I were heartbroken.  But even though we were heartbroken Shaun said pretty much right after she was born we need to be thankful for all that God has given us.  We are thankful we know that the first time she opened her eyes she was in the safe and loving arms of God.  And we went from that moment saying we are going to be thankful.  That doesn't mean we are not mourning not having her.  

But when we can look to God and say, thank you for sending your Son Jesus to die for us and saving us from our depravity!  This gives me a greater understanding into what God must have felt to willingly giving of His Son to die a tortuous death on a cross.  How much He loves us to be willing to do that for us.  In a million years I can't imagine giving my child willingly and for other peoples sin.  How greatful I am for the salvation He gives me.  I am so thankful for a real relationship with him and that He gave us His word to guide us along the way. Never on this earth will I fully understand the price that He paid. But I am thankful.

Avalyn... When it all comes crashing down.

Sunday, September 21st was the mark of my 38th week of pregnancy.  I can remember being very happy that day knowing that the end of my pregnancy was coming soon.  I had been having contrations for weeks at that point and that day was no different.   We went to church that morning.  At the beginning of the service the little kids always go up front to gather and then go out for their classes.  I remember one little girl passing me on her way down to the front, she had the cutest little pony tales.  I sat there thinking about how fun it would be when Avalyn was older to get to fix her hair in pony tales.

Monday, I was having contractions through out the day again.  I can remember talking to Shaun on the phone saying today might be the day.  I had a doctor appointment scheduled for the next day but thought maybe I wont have to go.  It was a fairly normal day.  I spent the morning with Eli.  Then he went to school and I had laundry to get done.  We had planned to eat out that night.  I was waiting for Shuan to get home from work and stepped out side on the front step to watch for him.

As I stepped out the door Avalyn had the hiccups and I remember feeling my belly and smiling as I felt her bump up and down.  Shaun arrived a few minutes later and we went off to dinner.  As we sat and ate my contractions continued.  I didn't think they were consistent enough at that point to go to the hospital but we started timing them.  We went home and put the boys to bed.  

The evening went on and my contractions were coming on at every 3-5 min but were not strong.  I have always been one that doesn't want to get sent home from the hospital so I wasn't sure if we should go.  But because they were coming on so frequent we choose to go.  

While we were driving to the hospital I was excited and nervous and happy and scared and all the emotions that one feels when they are about to have a baby.  So when we arrived at the hospital, around 9:00, Shaun suggested that we pray before we went in.  He prayed that God would give us the strength to get through whatever we were going to go through.  At the time we were thinking we needed help getting us through having a baby or getting sent home.

We went into the hospital and were ready to have our baby girl.  We went up to labor and delivery and got settled in our room.  The nurse got me set up and ready to put on the monitors.  As she placed the heart monitor on my belly there was silence.  She moved it around my belly for what seemed like an eternity.  I can remember I was still smiling at this point.  

"Is that normal?", I asked

No response... (I started to become cautious)  

"What does that mean?"  

No response.....  

"I am going to go get a different monitor", she finally said.

She left the room.  I started to freak out in my mind.  I know I said something to Shaun but can't remember what.  She came back in and began to search my belly again.  She started to push Avalyn trying to get her to move around. She would pick up a heartbeat but it was always mine.  I had tears streaming down my face at that point. She asked when the last time I felt her move and my mind was racing.  I thought she had been moving the whole evening but now I was realizing that the movement that I thought was her was the contractions moving her.  Then I remembered the hiccups at 5:00.  

My mind was not comprehending what reality was telling me.  At this point the nurse said she was going to call the doctor to come do an ultra sound to see what was going on.  They said it would be 10 minutes until they doctor would be there.  I am pretty sure that it was more than that but it didn't matter we were both panicking and just wanted everything to be ok. 

My doctor was out of town, so I was seeing a new face for the first time.  She came in and conveniently placed the screen out of my eye sight. But Shaun was standing and could see it.  As she searched the screen I searched her face and then Shaun's face.  He looked at me and shook his head.  Then the words that will haunt me till the day I die, "I'm sorry there is no heartbeat, she is gone". 

Screams, that is what came out of me at that point.  No...NO....Noooo....no ......no!!!!!  Why? Why? Why?  At that point the nurses and doctor just left the room.  There we were in a cold old hospital room by ourselves coming to terms with the fact that our baby was no longer living.  What had happened?  I know I felt her just at 5:00 that day and thought that I had been feeling her throughout the evening.  Now all of our hopes and dreams had come to a crashing hault!  We both just wept and hugged each other.   

The rest will come in another blog.

 

Avalyn... the pregnancy

So that brings us to just about a year ago.  I gave up the control I thought I had and gave it over to God.  We went for several months not trying to get pregnant but not not trying.  I found out I was pregnant in January.  I was nervouse but excited.  I had also wrestled with the idea of having another boy.  I wanted to have a girl but knew the chances were small.  But I gave it over to God as well and trusted His way.

When I went to my first doctors appointment I went through the usually paper work and blood tests and then went to see the doctor.  She went to check for a heart beat and could not find one.  She was in a hurry to go deliver a baby but had the nurse set up an ultra sound for that day so we could see if everything was all right.  I remember bursting into tears as she had search with the doppler to find her heart beat.  I immedately called Shaun and was so worried.  When I went in for the ultra sound there she was as fine as could be with a great heart beat.  I am so glad that I had that ultra sound because I will get to cherish the picture of her even when she was so tiny.

When we had our next ultra sound at 21weeks we were so thrilled to find out if she was to be a girl or a boy.  We didn't have the technichian tell us at the appointment instead we had her write it down and had a friend ready to make a pink or blue cake at a reveal party for us.  Our friends all gathered together and we celebrated as we found out it was a girl! 

Shaun and I would frequently talk about how ecxited we were to be having a girl.  On shopping trips we would go to the baby section and finally get to look at all the cute clothes.  And Shaun would say you should just get it when I would find something I really liked :)  or even would pick things out himself to buy which is something he would never do with the boys.  We joked that she was going to be so spoiled.  

There was one person in the family that was not so excited to have a sister. :) Eli was rooting for a boy. He would say he didn't want to have pink toys in the house.  But as time went on he was the one that got really excited to have a sister.  He loved her and wanted to protect her even if he wouldn't tell other people that.  He would come to my belly every day and talk to Avalyn.  He would tell her he loved her and give a hug to her before bed.  She also would respond to him when he would touch my belly and when he would talk to her by moving around toward him. 

Ian was wanting a sister from the very beginning.  He was a little more timid to touch my belly or talk to her but he was anticipating the day when he could help out with her and love on her.  He would joke that he and Eli would help in the night when she was going to cry.  He would say Eli you have to feed her and I will change her diaper.  He was ready to be a big brother again!

When I had the boys we lived off of nothing so a fully decorated nursery was never a reality for them.  But for Avalyn I was finally able to put together a real nursery.  I had a plan in my head and went out to garage sales and found deals online and put together the room that I had envisioned in my head.  My friend Jess helped me sew a blanket, bumper pad and curtains to go in her room.  

One week Shaun took Ian on a special 5 day fishing trip.  Eli and I stayed home.  During that time Eli was a big helper.  We put together the crib and shelves for Avalyn's nursery.  During that time we also talked about how things would be when Avalyn came.  One of the things we talked about was swaddling.  I had bought these swaddle blankets and Eli was curious about them.  So we grabbed a stuffed animal and I taught him how to swaddle.  I told him that he could help me swaddle his sister when she came.

More to come later...

Avalyn

It has been almost two months since my life was changed. 

Two months of crying everyday.

Two months of learning many many lessons. 

Two months of leaning on God more than ever before.

Two months of learning how much God truly loves us.

Two months of cherishing my boys every day!

Two months of great friends wrapping their arms around me and helping me in countless ways.

Two months that I never ever thought I would have to endure.

Two months of hearing stories about other baby loss mamas that I can now relate.

 

I want to share Avalyn's story.  I want everyone to know what a wonderful little girl she was.  Even though she never got to take a breath or open her eyes or cry her first cry, I got to spend nine months with her and created a bond with her.  I got to feel her move around in my belly.  I got to rock with her for hours while Shaun worked on her nursery.  I got to feel her have hiccups.  Every night around 8:30 she would become so active and push her little behind out at the top of my stomach, and Shaun and I would sit in awe that my belly could strech so far out.  I am so glad that I got that time with her and wouldn't take that time back for anything.  She was a little human being and her life matters.   

I also want to share how God has had His hand in the whole process.  I am confident and know that He has a plan through it all and I can trust 100% in Him. 

Before Shaun and I even were married we went through marriage counseling.  At that time it was discussed how many kids we wanted.  I have always said I only wanted two kids.  Shaun agreed and we were good :).   Fast forward 4 years and we had our two kids and I was done.  Shaun always said he would have more if I changed my mind.  He is such a wonderful husband and would never push me.  So we went along with our happy family.  Then we moved to Dickinson and God began to change my heart on what "MY PLANS" were to be more focused on His plans.

I  don't know if pastor Tim will be reading this but I can remember a sermon that he preached one Sunday on children and how the Bible teaches us to be fruitful and multiply.  I remeber being so mad after the message. (sorry pastor Tim :))  He said that if he could go back he would have more than two children or at least change his plan for only two children.  I felt very convicted but turned it to anger and disagreement that he was wrong and I could say how many children I want and it is fine.

Along the same lines, I had different conversations with friends and each time felt that twinge of guilt because I was going to do things the way I want and it doesn't matter what other people say.  I am pretty sure that my friend Becky had a big part in being a mouth peice for The Lord as well.  She wanted to have another baby and her husband didn't and she talked about how God had changed his heart and how much joy that brought her.  

Anyway,  through all of this God softened my heart and gave me a new understanding.  A new understanding that if I really trust in Him and trust that He has control of everything including creating life, I can trust that he would give us the amount of children that He wants us to have.  Not my plan but His.  

I will share more of her story in another blog tomorrow.