Two months of crying everyday.
Two months of learning many many lessons.
Two months of leaning on God more than ever before.
Two months of learning how much God truly loves us.
Two months of cherishing my boys every day!
Two months of great friends wrapping their arms around me and helping me in countless ways.
Two months that I never ever thought I would have to endure.
Two months of hearing stories about other baby loss mamas that I can now relate.
I want to share Avalyn's story. I want everyone to know what a wonderful little girl she was. Even though she never got to take a breath or open her eyes or cry her first cry, I got to spend nine months with her and created a bond with her. I got to feel her move around in my belly. I got to rock with her for hours while Shaun worked on her nursery. I got to feel her have hiccups. Every night around 8:30 she would become so active and push her little behind out at the top of my stomach, and Shaun and I would sit in awe that my belly could strech so far out. I am so glad that I got that time with her and wouldn't take that time back for anything. She was a little human being and her life matters.
I also want to share how God has had His hand in the whole process. I am confident and know that He has a plan through it all and I can trust 100% in Him.
Before Shaun and I even were married we went through marriage counseling. At that time it was discussed how many kids we wanted. I have always said I only wanted two kids. Shaun agreed and we were good :). Fast forward 4 years and we had our two kids and I was done. Shaun always said he would have more if I changed my mind. He is such a wonderful husband and would never push me. So we went along with our happy family. Then we moved to Dickinson and God began to change my heart on what "MY PLANS" were to be more focused on His plans.
I don't know if pastor Tim will be reading this but I can remember a sermon that he preached one Sunday on children and how the Bible teaches us to be fruitful and multiply. I remeber being so mad after the message. (sorry pastor Tim :)) He said that if he could go back he would have more than two children or at least change his plan for only two children. I felt very convicted but turned it to anger and disagreement that he was wrong and I could say how many children I want and it is fine.
Along the same lines, I had different conversations with friends and each time felt that twinge of guilt because I was going to do things the way I want and it doesn't matter what other people say. I am pretty sure that my friend Becky had a big part in being a mouth peice for The Lord as well. She wanted to have another baby and her husband didn't and she talked about how God had changed his heart and how much joy that brought her.
Anyway, through all of this God softened my heart and gave me a new understanding. A new understanding that if I really trust in Him and trust that He has control of everything including creating life, I can trust that he would give us the amount of children that He wants us to have. Not my plan but His.
I will share more of her story in another blog tomorrow.
Lindsay, this is beautiful written and heartfelt. It is very special to read the story of Avalyn and to get to know the sweet little person that she is. I know that these past 2 months have been terribly hard, and I will continue to pray for you, Shaun and the boys as you continue to trust God's plan for you lives. Love you!
ReplyDeleteLove you! I think it's the first time I have ever been called a mouth piece and I love it, lol. You are a wise woman to seek and trust the Lord. What a testimony!
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