Avalyn... When it all comes crashing down.

Sunday, September 21st was the mark of my 38th week of pregnancy.  I can remember being very happy that day knowing that the end of my pregnancy was coming soon.  I had been having contrations for weeks at that point and that day was no different.   We went to church that morning.  At the beginning of the service the little kids always go up front to gather and then go out for their classes.  I remember one little girl passing me on her way down to the front, she had the cutest little pony tales.  I sat there thinking about how fun it would be when Avalyn was older to get to fix her hair in pony tales.

Monday, I was having contractions through out the day again.  I can remember talking to Shaun on the phone saying today might be the day.  I had a doctor appointment scheduled for the next day but thought maybe I wont have to go.  It was a fairly normal day.  I spent the morning with Eli.  Then he went to school and I had laundry to get done.  We had planned to eat out that night.  I was waiting for Shuan to get home from work and stepped out side on the front step to watch for him.

As I stepped out the door Avalyn had the hiccups and I remember feeling my belly and smiling as I felt her bump up and down.  Shaun arrived a few minutes later and we went off to dinner.  As we sat and ate my contractions continued.  I didn't think they were consistent enough at that point to go to the hospital but we started timing them.  We went home and put the boys to bed.  

The evening went on and my contractions were coming on at every 3-5 min but were not strong.  I have always been one that doesn't want to get sent home from the hospital so I wasn't sure if we should go.  But because they were coming on so frequent we choose to go.  

While we were driving to the hospital I was excited and nervous and happy and scared and all the emotions that one feels when they are about to have a baby.  So when we arrived at the hospital, around 9:00, Shaun suggested that we pray before we went in.  He prayed that God would give us the strength to get through whatever we were going to go through.  At the time we were thinking we needed help getting us through having a baby or getting sent home.

We went into the hospital and were ready to have our baby girl.  We went up to labor and delivery and got settled in our room.  The nurse got me set up and ready to put on the monitors.  As she placed the heart monitor on my belly there was silence.  She moved it around my belly for what seemed like an eternity.  I can remember I was still smiling at this point.  

"Is that normal?", I asked

No response... (I started to become cautious)  

"What does that mean?"  

No response.....  

"I am going to go get a different monitor", she finally said.

She left the room.  I started to freak out in my mind.  I know I said something to Shaun but can't remember what.  She came back in and began to search my belly again.  She started to push Avalyn trying to get her to move around. She would pick up a heartbeat but it was always mine.  I had tears streaming down my face at that point. She asked when the last time I felt her move and my mind was racing.  I thought she had been moving the whole evening but now I was realizing that the movement that I thought was her was the contractions moving her.  Then I remembered the hiccups at 5:00.  

My mind was not comprehending what reality was telling me.  At this point the nurse said she was going to call the doctor to come do an ultra sound to see what was going on.  They said it would be 10 minutes until they doctor would be there.  I am pretty sure that it was more than that but it didn't matter we were both panicking and just wanted everything to be ok. 

My doctor was out of town, so I was seeing a new face for the first time.  She came in and conveniently placed the screen out of my eye sight. But Shaun was standing and could see it.  As she searched the screen I searched her face and then Shaun's face.  He looked at me and shook his head.  Then the words that will haunt me till the day I die, "I'm sorry there is no heartbeat, she is gone". 

Screams, that is what came out of me at that point.  No...NO....Noooo....no ......no!!!!!  Why? Why? Why?  At that point the nurses and doctor just left the room.  There we were in a cold old hospital room by ourselves coming to terms with the fact that our baby was no longer living.  What had happened?  I know I felt her just at 5:00 that day and thought that I had been feeling her throughout the evening.  Now all of our hopes and dreams had come to a crashing hault!  We both just wept and hugged each other.   

The rest will come in another blog.